


I'm Not Letting Go

by theangelsace



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, M/M, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 04:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6180181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theangelsace/pseuds/theangelsace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if it had been Dylan who had found Lofty during his panic attack in Fatal Error Part 2?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt from Tumblr's trekkiel.

All he needed was a few minutes alone, away from all the noises and surroundings of the Ed to clear his mind. He thought he could handle carrying on with work, and he could, because otherwise he would have too much time to himself, to think, and that wasn’t what he needed right now. It was helping, treating Robert with Dylan kept his mind focus for the most part, of course there was a brief moment here and there when he had thought he was going to run out, but Dylan had managed to get his attention back before anything happened.

If he could have, he would have spent the rest of the shift working with Dylan, because he was the only thing that was keeping him going now, but of course they got separated. Lofty burst into the staff room, struggling to keep his breathing under control. He knew he wasn’t OK, but he had thought he was coping until he had to help Lily with her patient; if he had had the chance he would have asked someone else to go into the lift with them, but everyone else was busy. Even so, he was on the verge of backing down, feeling his chest tighten at the thought of going back into that lift with another patient, but before he had the chance, she was going into VT, and he found himself rushing back into resus.

He knew what he needed to do, could hear Lily issuing orders at him, but somehow his body wouldn’t respond. Wouldn’t let him do something he had done hundreds of times before.

His breathing still wasn’t steadying, which only caused his panic to increase. No matter how much he tried to steady his breathing, it wouldn’t slow down, and now his chest was hurting. So instead, he tried to focus himself on something, he knew it could help some people, and in that moment anything that could help him he was willing to give a try. He gripped the counter first of all, feeling the cold, solid surface beneath his hands; holding on until his knuckles turned white.

“Ben?” he could just about Dylan say from behind him, but he couldn’t move to turn around and look at him “Ben” Dylan repeated, gentler this time, as if though that was even possible

Lofty turned around at that point; Dylan had already locked the door behind him because somehow he already knew that Lofty needed for the two of them to be alone, even just for a few minutes. The look on Dylan’s face wasn’t the one of disappointment that he still half expected to appear. It was something else entirely, something which he couldn’t quite place.

“It’s my fault Dylan” he choked, the tears that had been threatening to fall since he had reached the staff room finally breaking free.

He didn’t expect Dylan to do anything, other than try and offer some words of comfort, knowing that the pat on the back he received early was more physical contact than Dylan would usually be comfortable with, but it had made Lofty smile at the time.

“Ben” It was the only thing Dylan had said since he walked in, but this time Lofty could hear his voice break as Dylan closed the distance between them, and enveloped him in a hug “It’s OK, I’m here, I’ve got you” he could hear Dylan saying over and over again, as he buried his head into Dylan’s shoulder.

He barely even noticed as Dylan moved the two of them across the room, and sat them both down on the chairs, hardly letting go for a moment as they got settled. Lofty found himself pretty much sat in Dylan’s lap, his head resting on his shoulder now.

The two of them stayed like that, in silence, before he eventually managed to say “She’s dead Dyl…” his voice broke again at that point, and the tears which he thought had finally passed were falling again, soaking Dylan’s white shirt

“It was an accident, a tragic accident” Dylan said, in attempts to reassure him, as he moved a hand up and down Lofty’s back

“I want to go home” he said, finally looking up at Dylan, tears still filling his eyes, but he could still see Dylan’s eyes, could see that they were wet as well “Please, don’t make me stay here” he begged. He couldn’t stand another minute there.

“OK” Dylan agreed, without argument. Both of them knew that they had people waiting to speak to them, but they would just have to keep waiting “But you’re not going alone, you’re coming with me back to the houseboat” he added.

“Thank you” Lofty managed to say, reluctantly letting Dylan get up at that point. He had thought that Dylan would try to argue, and say he needed to stay here, and tell his side of things, he didn’t expect for him to offer to go with him, but he was relieved when he did.

“Just give me a minute, to talk to Rita and Connie, OK?” Dylan asked, his voice still as gentle as when he had first walked in “I’ll be right back” he added in reassurance, when Lofty tried to grab a hold of his hand

“OK” he agreed, bringing his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them as he waited for Dylan o come back.

*******************************

It didn’t take him long to convince Rita or Connie to let them go. Though they were probably surprised it was Dylan offering to take Ben home, and not one of his friends, but they didn’t know just how much Ben had come to mean to him over the past few months, to the point where he had started to question if Ben was something more than a friend to him, he had certainly told him things, things which he had never told to anyone else.

When he got back, it was to find Ben sat in the same position as when he had left. On his way out he had made sure to keep the door unlocked, but it didn’t seem as though anyone had been in since he had left. He had only locked it in the first place to give them some privacy. Normally, he wasn’t one for emotions, finding he didn’t have the time for them, but right now he had to for Ben’s sake. He knew he had to be strong, to show he was there for him, because it was all he could do to keep himself from breaking down at the sight of Ben, who didn’t deserve for any of this to be happening.

“Ben” he said, and this time he responded to the sound of his voice straight away, which was a relief. Earlier, when Ben had taken a few tries to respond to his voice had been terrifying, until he had realised what was happening and what he needed to do. Even if it wasn’t something he was comfortable with, he had to, for Ben’s sake. So he held him, for as long as Ben needed him. The hopeful look he was being giving now was one he was grateful he wasn’t going to have to break “It’s OK, we can go” he said, offering Ben a hand up

“Thank you” Ben said, his face still stained with tears.

“Here” Dylan offered passing him the box of tissues that someone had left out “I’ll get your stuff”

“Thank you” he repeated, cleaning his face off as best he could whilst Dylan grabbed his stuff.

***********************************

Ben didn’t bother getting changing out of his scrubs, instead letting Dylan usher him out of the ED as quickly as possible, passed all the whispering that surrounded them as they left, though not one person tried to stop them. He was sure Rita and Connie would tell anyone who asked where they were, but he also hoped that no one would interrupt them, right now, both of them just needed each other.

“Do you want me to call a taxi?” Dylan offered, it was about a thirty minute walk back to the houseboat, and he wasn’t sure if he would make it or not, but he also knew that the fresh air could help him.

“No, can we walk?” he asked, as if though Dylan was going to say no to anything he asked that evening.

“Of course, Ben” Dylan answered.

The two of them spent most of the time walking back pretty much in silence, but there was barely an inch of room between them. Once or twice Dylan had considered putting an arm around his shoulders, but each time he pulled back at the last second, calling himself a coward every time.

It was fully dark by the time they reached the houseboat, the streetlights lighting up the walkways to his front door. The area was quiet, as it always was at that time of day, and Dylan was more thankful for that fact now, than he had ever been before. The silence didn’t last long though, shattering the moment they got inside and Dervla came bounding out to greet them

“Yes, Dervla we missed you too” he said the ‘we’ because Ben was here so much now that Dylan had started to think that they were living together, not that he was upset by this development, as unforeseen as it was. Then again, everything about his friendship with Ben was unforeseen.

It wasn’t until they both fully acknowledged Dervla and fed her that she finally left them in peace. He tried apologizing for Dervla’s behaviour, until he saw how much she was helping Ben, at which point he stopped.

The chair which Ben usually sat in was left empty as he had curled himself up on the settee.

“Would you like some tea?” he offered, really he had to try and get Ben to eat something, or even drink would be good.

“I don’t think I can” Ben admitted

“OK, maybe later” Dylan suggested, right now he couldn’t bring himself to argue

“Maybe” Ben agreed, for now Dylan would take it.

“I’m going to make myself a cup of tea, are you sure you don’t want anything?” he asked just to be certain.

“I’m sure, thank you” Ben replied.

Dylan made the tea as quickly as he could, forgoing his usual routine, and not letting the bag steep for as long as he normally would of, but right now he couldn’t bare the idea of leaving Ben alone for longer than he had to.

“Hey” he said, as he walked back in. Normally, when he left him alone for more than a minute Ben would turn the radio on, or pick up a book from the shelf to read, but he hadn’t this time. Again, he had barely moved from the spot where Dylan had left him.

Dylan placed his mug down on the coffee table, really he had just made it out of habit and didn’t really care if he drank it or not. He sat down next to Ben, pulling him close again as he had done back in the ED, only this time there was almost no chance of them being interrupted.  Ben was crying again, he couldn’t see his face but he knew from the way his body was trembling as he moved his hand up and down Ben’s back in what he could only hope was a comforting action.

Eventually, Ben settled enough to look up at him, the sadness in his eyes plain to see, and it tore Dylan to pieces to think of what must be going through his mind. There was no words he could think of that would make things better, he could only hope that they would over time.

“Please, I don’t want to go” Ben said, after a few moments. If he thought that Dylan was going to ask him to leave after that day that they had both just gone through, he was very much mistaken. The thought of letting Ben go now, when he so clearly needed him wasn’t one that had even tried to enter his mind

“No, you don’t have to” he reassured, at this point he’d even let Ben sleep in his bed with him id that’s what it took for him to get some sleep. “Stay here with me” he said

“Really” Ben asked, as though he couldn’t tell whether or not Dylan’s offer was genuine

“Yes” he assured, slowly untangling himself from him, and standing up “Come on” he offered, holding out a hand out to Ben once again, who took it after a moment’s thought. It was still early, but right now they both needed some rest.

“Dylan” Ben asked, his voice unsure

“Did you think I was going to let you sleep out here?” he asked, tilting his head at Ben, who stared at him for a few seconds.

“It’s no less than I deserve” he replied, the tone in his voice entirely serious

“No, it was an accident, a tragic accident” he said again, hoping this time the Ben would believe him.

Ben didn’t reply to that, looking down at the floor instead, still keeping his hand grasped in Dylan’s

“Are you sure, you’re bed’s not that big” Lofty tried to argue after a few minutes

“I know” Dylan agreed, because he really didn’t have need for such a large bed, and even now that didn’t matter, he didn’t expect he would be letting go of Ben for most of the night. “I just thought we should both try and get some rest” he explained

“OK” Ben agreed, after a moment’s thought, during which time the two of them barely looked away from one another, and Dylan found himself hoping that Ben could see what he was feeling, just from that look.

They spent a few minutes, getting ready with Dylan offering some old pyjamas over for Ben to change into. Neither of them cared that they were changing in front of each other, at the moment this was just about offering comfort, nothing more. Dylan brushed his teeth first, before offering the bathroom to Ben; handing over the spare toothbrush he hadn’t known why he had bought it until that moment.

He was just about to call out and check Ben was OK, when he walked back into the bedroom “Get over here” he said, realising that Ben was waiting for permission before he climbed into bed. Once he did, Dylan instantly wrapped himself around Ben, not caring about the mess of hair that was in his face.

“Thank you” he heard Ben say, from where his head was pressed into Dylan shoulder, a position that was becoming all so familiar to them “I don’t think I could have coped if it wasn’t for you” he said, the trust in his voice so clear.

Dylan almost wanted to say he shouldn’t think that, that if he hadn’t of pushed the way he had neither of them would be where they were at that moment. The thought that someone had to die for him to see how much Ben wasn’t coping was unbearable. He should have seen it, should have listened to Ben’s pleas to stop pushing him so hard. When he realised his mistake though, he did whatever he possibly could to help, but he couldn’t take back what had happened, no matter how much he wished he could.

“Just get some sleep” he said, kissing the top of Ben’s forehead when he looked up, his eyelids fluttered shut at that “I’m not going to leave you” he promised, and it was one he intended to keep.


End file.
